Encyclopedia of Awesome - Part 1

Before I had kids, I thought the newborn phase was all about fancy Feltman Bros. outfits, soft baby blankies, quiet snuggling while gazing at flowers through the nursery window, and keeping track of every milestone with photographs and impeccable baby-book recordkeeping.

Now that I've experienced this phase firsthand - twice - I have discovered that it is really all about NONE of these things. Nope. The newborn phase is, in fact, all about the management of three equally important, for lack of a better word, nuisances - pain, noise, and ahem, moisture. Manage them well, and you have happybabyhappymommy. Manage them poorly, and you have just entered the 7th level of hell.

Tonight, bloggie friends, I'd like to address the last of the three.

Moisture.

As a new mom, moisture is not your friend, nor is it the friend of your newborn. Tonight, I'm only talking about mamas...and really, only about one aspect of such...I'll save wet newborns for later. You're welcome.

I don't know about y'all, but personally, as I get out of the shower every other(ish) day, I am just flat amazed at how much peel and stick padding is required to even get dressed right now. And, of course, to actually use said padding, one must forfeit all interest in and desire for pretty underthings...because as we all know, ain't no peel and stick worth its salt gon' fit or affix to anything of even moderate aesthetic value. Come to think of it, there really are only two words I need to describe every underthing (top and bottom) that new moms should be rockin' -- full coverage. I know, I know...you and Jared both wish it wasn't so.

My personal favorite peel and stick item relevant to new motherhood is HANDS DOWN the breast pad. These things are freaking fabulous. I mean, who wouldn't want some bulky peel and stick to place into your already weird-fitting snap-open-able undergarment to block spillage from your ridiculously larrrrrrge lady lumps?? An.y.way. Being that the breast pad has been such a necessary accessory to my life for the past, oh, I don't know, 2 years, I went ahead and did a little consumer research on the subject (read: bargain-hunting at as many stores as possible, thereby ending up trying virtually every breast pad on the market). I've compiled the results of my research here for the benefit of other new moms...or maybe just for my own kicks and giggles. Whatev.

As far as breast pads go, here is what I know to be TRUE, compartmentalized into a neat and orderly five-part list. Note, I did not say that these five things are my opinions...I said they are truths, so know the damn difference and don't talk back about it. Your dry underthings and, more importantly, outerthings will be most glad that you did.

Truth #1 - Lansinoh disposeable pads are God's gift to nursing boobs. Don't even think about trying another brand. Qualities to be discussed in subsequent Truths...but, for now, just remember "Purple Box=Happy Boobies." Note, if you're a good little blog-reader, no other truths matter...but, for fun, I'm going to write them anyway.

Truth #2 - Breast pads should be contoured...like real boobs. If you got hooked up with freebie pads at the hospital (namely, if you're a freak like me whose milk came in less than 48 hours after the cord was cut), just throw them directly into the trash. Okay, or if you feel like being nice, donate them to someone who is "thinking about" nursing -- they won't actually ever use the darn things, but it'll sure make them feel like they're giving nursing the ol' college try to have a nice stock of nursing pads collecting dust on their countertop. Why should you get rid of them? Well, because they're like silver dollar hotcakes...no contour...and last time I checked, no woman on God's green earth comes equipped with cans shaped like actual cans, or the ends thereof.

Truth #3 - You need the stuff that turns to gel (like the absorbers in disposeable diapers) if you expect to get any mileage out of your milk catchers. While I am certain that my disposeable diaper using friends (of which I know I have plenty) are opposed to the ingredients in said absorbers because they touch your ninnies, which then touch your baby's lips, and could thereby be ingested and have fatal carcinogenic effect, I'm not trying to be Dr. Oz up in here, okay. I'm just telling you what works the best...green or not, it's the gel stuff...for shiz.

Truth #4 - If, after reading this, you buy Johnson & Johnson's breast pads and I find out about it, I may or may not damage our friendship by unloading my smart-ass mouth on your silly butt. Let me tell you why J&J are the second worst breast pads (first worst being the hospital ones, of course) in the known universe. Ladies, I s*it you not, these things come with 'n.ip.ple reservoirs' for dry, sensitive, and cracked ni.ppl.es. Sounds good, right? I thought so too...but, alas, wrong. Soooo very wrong. Girls, these things not only have a dent on the inside for your sensitive ta-tas...they have a lump on the outside, formed by making the dent on the inside, that give you the appearance of 24-7 party hats!! Note: when your larrrrge lady lumps are proudly protruding off your chest and up to your neck and under your arms, the last thing you need is to ALSO have them high-beaming anyone who gawks in your direction. Namely, your poor husband - who is undoubtedly looking at these hooters of his dreams and, sadly, is left to only think about touching them there as well.

Truth #5 - I don't care what your baby book said about plastic backing on a nursing pad. You need it. Would you wear a maxi-pad that didn't have a plastic underside??? Didn't think so. The key to not getting nasty ninnies from plastic-backed pads is the same as it is for not getting the 'not so fresh feeling' from your maxis --- CHANGE THE DAMN THINGS. Often. We all know it isn't a good idea to let the wetness just sit on your areolas begging to grow yeast and donate thrush to your baby, so when you notice that your pad is feeling less than dry, go a little crazy and change the thing. J&J pads don't have plastic backing...in case you needed another reason not to buy the stupid things...one good let-down goes right through. Been there. Done that. Learn from me. Please.

So, there you have it, friends. It's a veritable Encyclopedia of Moisture-Management-Awesome from me to you.

I don't know where I found the time to write it today either. I guess one just makes time when real life (i.e. Jared's car getting broken into last night, the fact that I haven't slept more than 2 hours in a row in a week, my incomparable cabin fever) has one way down in the dumps and a creative release is needed.

Did I mention that it's not about pretty Feltman Bros. outfits (not comfy or easy to get off and on), soft blankies (whatever is close counts as a blankie - incl. towels, burp cloths, or your college sweatshirt), staring out windows (lol), and especially impeccable record-keeping (I'm sorry, baby, what is your name again...wait, what's my name again?)?